dead

[FawkesthePhoenix]

a guy in my grade just died. i didn't really know him, and he wasn't really my friend, but he was in a lot of my classes and now im feeling down.

[DucksRMagical]

(((Fawkes))) That's so sad. It's horrible when anyone dies, but it's worse when it's a kid.

A boy in my 7th grade class died, too. He died from a staph infection.

[Q.Araignee]

*hugs* I know how you feel- a girl in my year died after a car crash over xmas, and quite a few other people I've been close to have passed away over the past few years. It's always just before my exams start too, which on top of everything else is really difficult to get through.

But make sure you don't bottle up your emotions. I know it's sad and painful, so recognise that and deal with it. Otherwise the feelings bubble away until they come out even stronger than originally, at a really bad time- believe me, been there and just now getting through it. And talk about it as much as you like- I know we just write here, but don't hesitate to scribble something because we will reply and help as best we can.

[FawkesthePhoenix]

thanks. he was actualy kind of annoying, but he didn't deserve to die. he hadn't been in school for a while before the police found his body. we figured he was just sick. he died of internal bleeding because his brother had kicked him. when something like this happens, it makes you rethink everything. whether you should've done more to be nicer to him, even though you were never mean. it gives you a whole new out look on life.

[DucksRMagical]

The whole thing is just so sad. Everyone is blaming everyone else for it. The details are slowly appearing, but it's still very confusing as to what actually happened.

(((Fawkes))) I agree with Q, if you want to talk, just let me know. It's good to get your feelings out.

(((Q.A.)))

[Q.Araignee]

I'm going to apologise in advance for this post, but I really need to write this all down somewhere- no one has to reply, this is purely intended as a cathartic exercise.

Two years ago, just before my GCSE's, me great-gran died. She had been the most constant thing in my life, a huge part of it for as long as I can remember. She'd been ill but was recovering unusually well, so when the call came we were all completely unprepared. At that time, everyone in the family looked for someone to be strong- they needed a stoic image to lean on and to imitate, but no one stepped up. Seeing them all crumbling I took up the task- putting up a front of normality which I have been unable to relinquish since.

I spent weeks listening and caring for my family, and starting my GCSE exams. I didn't do myself justice really, especially on my Latin exams, but I passed with an A*, 8A's, 2 B's and a C in the Latin. While everyone clawed back their everyday selves I found myself a bit isolated amongst them: they had had me to talk to, yet none had the composure to let me talk to them about what had happened, to let me truly grieve.

So I tried to put my feelings aside and carry on into Sixth Form. Most of my friends left to go to college, but 3 remained who I could relax with- I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of burdening them with my problems, so I didn't. I helped them in any way possible, and asked nothing but company in return.

The situation between my mum and step-dad degraded and so I inadvertantly became my mum's confidant- on top of hearing their arguments, I knew more about what was going on than I needed to know, and I found myself fretting over it at school or having vague nightmares.

Xmas followed swiftly. I had exams in January, my first real A Level papers. A few days before they started, I found out my first Judo sensei's father had died. We had been close, for he had been a good friend of my step-dad for many years. Again, my exams were affected.

As more time passed, the worse things got- just before my summer exams my Physics teacher noticed a crack in the mask I portrayed at school, but I didn't open up. He accepted that and said that 'You know where I am if you need anything.' Those exams were a mixture of good and bad, due to the constantly fluctuating situations at home and- more predominantly- the imbalances in my mental state.

That summer had the added difficulty of me convincing my mum and step-dad that I wasn't a lazy good-for-nothing, and that while Biochemistry (my choice of uni subject for 3 years) wasn't for me Physics was. I wasn't popular at home for about a month.

This school year started. I was now left with only one real friend, and to be honest he's not any good at noticing differences in emotions in other people. He means well, but can't always grasp them. Again, my Physics teacher noticed something wrong and asked me about it- I was uncomfortable and vague, so he soon stopped me and said I could use his lab as a place to escape from everything. To this day, it has been an amazing aid.

The term continued, and I made became proper friends with a girl who had been subject to the same 'friends disappearing act'- we had known each other before, been in the same Chemistry class, and while we may not have been best friends we were pretty close. Xmas came again, complete with argument over dinner. And again, I was to be informed someone I knew had died- my newest good friend. I scrabbled through my first few exams as last year. But my Physics exam was where my facade was truly undone.

The day before, my great-aunt had come round and made some off-hand comment that I didn't really notice. Monday came, I sat down, and opened my paper. I smiled at the question, and for some reason remembered what my great-aunt had said- 'You are so much like you're gran, more than the rest of us put together. If she couls see you know she would be so proud.' After that, I spent about 15 minutes crying silently and just staring at my paper. I shook myself out of it long enough to give the exam an go and to get out of that room asap- and to my Physics teacher's lab. I'd thought he was out all day, but he walked in on me weeping and listened while I basically told him a less coherent form of what I've written here.

My emotions had finally broke free from their restraints and claimed me.

It's taken a fair while to regain some stability. At the time, the situation at home still prevented me from showing my emotions fully to anyone there. And now, after weeks of struggling, we've reached another crux: my step-dad- the cause of so much strife, of so many of my darkest nightmares, yet the man who has helped raise me since I was 10 months old- has probably got a cancer in his mouth a cirrhosis of the liver. And my feelings about this are so confused and conflicting...

I'm sorry- but I needed to put all this down somewhere my family won't see, and this seemed like the 'best' place if I can say it like that.

[*Riley*]

I understand i told my cousin about this site now they read everything on here it's almost like i have no privacy at all it's horrible and as for you Q i feel deeply for you.

[Q.Araignee]

Okay, I again apologise in advance for what I write here.

So it's been three months since that rant.
First thing- my step-dad's liver is screwed. He knows it is, so has lost all reason and is drinking even more if that's possible. Somehow he's also managed to mess up his right arm. There's no reflexes there, and no grip with his hand. For a joiner this is almost job-ending, but he carries on regardless as little as he can get away with.

Just after that first post I got the results of my January exams. Predicted AAA in my A2 modules, I got CCD- with the D in Physics. That really threw a spanner in the works, I got so much hassle from the folks. They'd seen me working each night solid for just over a month trying to revise, but couldn't see why I didn't get the predicted grades. I can't talk to either of them- my step-dad because he just doesn't care, and my mum because she turns it into me making her feel guilty for trying to become a teacher 18 years late. I managed to find the money for 2 re-sits and got that sorted, but I still got disparaging sermons every now and then.

Mid-April. I was trying to find somewhere quiet at school when I bumped into an old teacher. Despite my pretestations of "Yeah, everything's fine Miss" she made me sit down in the Pastoral office and tell her what was wrong. So I did, and she was really nice about it. The day after I found out she had approached my form tutor with concerns about my well-being, which I wasn't surprised at really. He didn't know the details, but kept me back at the end of form to tell me of this. He persuaded me to at least go talk to my Head of Year asap. I agreed, and at lunch time told him everything I've written on this thread. He was amazing, truly. He passed a note round to my teachers asking for due consideration, and sent me off to the doctors to get checked over and to see if a medical note was appropriate for the summer exams.

It was the end of April, my second appointment with my doctor. First time round I'd told her what I'd told my Head of Year, and she'd asked me to fill in a questionnaire and to answer a few of her own questions. And it was this time when she told me her verdict- severe depression, borderline bipolar. I don't quite know how I felt hearing that, but we decided to attempt a course with the Primary Mental Health Workers. She would have suggested medication but for my age. She wrote me a medical note and said they would be in touch soon as she wanted me to have a few sessions before the exams. Upon hearing this, my Head of Year sent the note to the exam boards to ask for "Special Consideration". He also wrote to my uni choices to ask for lenience should my results not quite make the mark.

May comes round, and my 18th. Thanks to everyone here who sent birthday wishes, it was more than I got at home. My family all made very little of it, as they were all busy with their jobs and stuff. Not one phone call, text or email all day. Not even from my few friends- they'd all forgotten.

I hear from my doctor, my first appointment was to be in the last week before half-term. I had an exam before, and one the day after, but a week off afterwards to get started on therapy properly. So I went to that, and the Mental Health Worker said after I'd told her everything that she didn't think their work was the right thing for me- she was going to take my case to her supervisor and see about passing me onto more qualified professionals. After promising to call me the next day, it took until half way through the first real week of exams for me to hear anything. So much for a few prioritised sessions. What's worse is that she had scheduled my first appointment with the new therapist for July. AFTER my exams. I've now heard that the appointments been pushed back to late July, but after the 27th I won't be able to go see them until the week before I leave for uni- which isn't going to end up being that useful.

After having my last official school day on May 23rd, the small support system I had found over the past few months was taken away. And I'm expected to spend my first day at uni finding the student support to tell them the situation and to get therapy sorted with them- what a great start to Freshers' Week for me.

So I've spent the last seven weeks revising, taking exams and trying to keep myself okay pretty much on my own- it's been incredibly hard. Since January I have considered ending it all once or twice, but these past few weeks that thought has tried to entice me ever more frequently. I'll admit there are a few times when I've almost gone through with it, but obviously I haven't.

And there we go, an update to this because I'm hurting and...well, depressed. /rant

[DucksRMagical]

(((Q.A))) I'm so sorry you're going through that. I wish your family was more supportive. Feel free to rant anytime you want.

[FawkesthePhoenix]

i don't mind your rants at all. im really sorry about your family situation. good luck with uni.

[Snow_Crystal]

Q, this is so hard! You poor thing. I think you're amazing for sharing all this with us here. It's good that you can get things off your chest. Some people bottle things up all inside and can never open up and then suddenly you find out that they've taken their own lives away because they couldn't cope.

Keep sharing this stuff, we don't want anything bad to happen to you.

By the way, you're so lucky that your teachers are so caring and that they actually noticed that something was wrong. At my old school, they would never have noticed anything like that.

I know what you mean about friends disappearing off (in fact I might open another thread on this subject sometime when I have some more time write stuff down clearly) I've been in the same situation all my life where I feel like I don't have real friends who just get me and who are always there. Its taken me a lot of time to learn that sometimes, you just have to be frank and open about stuff even with friends you don't want to lose and even with friends you think you've already lost.

It might be the case that actually they don't know what they can do to help. So tell them. When I was going through this, I really needed someone to do this this this but actually everyone did this, this this and then I felt like...

Etc you get my drift. It might be a bit wierd at first but if you start the conversation with I need some help from you, will you help, I need to get something off my chest because it's bothering me. If you can muster up the courage to do this, you'll be amazed at how it makes you feel - like a load lighter.

I don't know if this helps or not but just please look after yourself.

Snow!

[Snow_Crystal]

sorry for double post, Q, you wrote my in the Gryff Counsellors common room so no need to reply here again!