my birth mother

[Barry Trotter]

well. i dont usually put problems on here but i am kindof at the end of my tether. not quite thinking straight and could do with some feedback.

ok. well first ( this is a long wierd problem) you should probbably get to know something about my past.

i am an orphen well i thought i was. i was abandoned when i was very little. aged about a year or so. when i was found i had been beaten up and it wasn't very nice . throughout my life i have been passed around from home to home, not lasting very long at any. i was abused very badly when i was in care but that all belongs in a new thread but lets just say i have very bad memorys .

well..

i havent let that stuff ruin my life, although it came close a couple of times. i dont often talk about it. i'm a fireman now and am pretty happy all in all.

last week i got a letter out of the blue, it was from soial services and it said my mother wanted to get in contact with me. well. i didnt know what to do at first and i threw the letter out. but then something made me ocntact the powers that be and ask why she wanted to see me. well. the result of that was that they gave her my address and she turned up here the very next day.

sounding like disney, isnt it? ha , well. almost.

she had a husband and he did the talking. it was him who had made her come. the whole time she was there, she didnt look straight at me. except when she dismissed me and said she wasnt wanting to know me and that as far as she was concerned i still didnt exist. well.. he said that her kidneys were failing and that he wanted mine for her. i was kindof shocked. but more so when he said , quite buisnesslike, £10 000 if it is a success, £200 if not, £5000 to your nearest and dearest if you dont make it.

well. after they left i kindof fell to pieces. i dont know what to do at all.

i looked it up in the internet and apparently she doesn't need a close tissue match.

she still doesnt want me which i suppose is her choice, but she could at least give me some sort of explination.

they are really well off. practically dripping with cash . i dont want their money. any of it.

do i still have obligations to give up my kndney to this woman? i know no law can make me but i dont know what is right.

all i can think about is how i dodnt know what love was untill i was about 20. i never knew what it was like to have people care for you. i just did not know.

i dont know whats going to happen. they have made an appointment for me to be tested at the hospital.

please help. anything would be appreciated

[pallas artemis]

Wow!! That is an amazing story. My advice would probably be to agree to it. Kidney operations aren't that dangerous are they? I guess if you found out that it is I might reconsider but what would you feel like if you didn't.
I realize you don't have any close personal attachment to her but it would still be difficult to know that you could have made the difference in her life.

My Grandmother, whom I haven't seen in about fifteen years, is borderline psychotic and I wouldn't want her around myself or my family but if I found out that she need my kidney I'd give it to her, I don't need it. She'd probably waste it drinking, but I know that my conscience would never let me forget that I could have done something.

I hope this is helpful. Keep us posted.

[Won Wheezy]

Oh gosh, this is very harsh. I can't tell you to do it or not do it. I can only say what I would do in that situation, and I am quite convinced I would not do it. Not as a revenge for what she's done, but because I wouldn't want anything to do with a person like that. To contact you after more than 20 years only for a purely selfish reason, and not even to explain why she did this, she must be a pretty horrible person. And if, as you said, she doesn't need someone with a close tissue match, why on earth should you do it? I mean, she hasn't shown any responsibility for her child and doesn't even seem to be sorry, why should you be responsible for her life? You're not. She is a stranger to you and doesn't deserve to be called "mother". She might have had her reasons for giving you away, but there is no justification for her behaviour towards you. As I said, I can't tell you what to do, as I am not in this situation, but I would not do it for a million dollars.
I hope you will be alright and I wish you all the love and happiness of this world, you really deserve it.
*Hugs and cuddles*

Won

[TDM]

well, it seems as if that couple doesn't really give a damn about you. especially if they were going to give you 10,000 if it worked, and 5,000 if you died. which is complete and utter cr*p, if i do say so myself. in my opinion, if she had the guts to come and not say a word, having someone else talk for her, i would tell them to get out. and then walk away, without a word. but, this decision is all you. we can't decide for you, and i don't want to. your decision has to be based on what you want. and if you say that you don't want any of their money, then don't do it. i won't guilt you into doing it, because i wouldn't do it myself. but, i just hope that you end up making the right choice for yourself. we're all thinking about you,

TDM

[Athena Appleton]

First off, I think anyone who would take in a child who has been abandoned and then abuse him or her deserves to burn in hell. My father-in-law went through that, and as a result has some serious psychological, social, and emotional issues that have affected his entire life, and I'm thrilled that you seem to have managed to adjusted as well as you did. It speaks highly of your character.

Okay, well, the woman can go pay someone whose life she hasn't made miserable to donate a kidney to her.

Generally, being a mom, I see things from a mom's perspective. But from a mom's perspective (or from ANY perspective), I couldn't see abandoning a child, not caring about it for 20-some-odd years, meeting him, treating him rudely, then wanting him to give up a kidney.

This is beside the point, but if you decide to take them up on the offer, I would take the money, at least as some kind of compensation, and tell them they can take their 10000-if-it's-successful-200-if-its-not thing and throw it out the window. You'd be having the same surgery whether it's successful or not. And it's no picnic of a surgery, either.

This all sounds harsh, but I think the woman and her husband were way way out of line, and I think if they had told the authorities why they wanted to get in touch with you, it wouldn't have ended with them getting your contact information. This is wrong. You don't owe this woman anything, definately not risking your life.

[han lin]

i deffinately agree with Athena here baz. you have to think of yourself first. this woman is scum. yesthere must have been lots of reasons to make her give you up, but to not even offer you any kind of explination and to be so rude to you is disgusting.

I think you should keep your kidney, let her pay someone who she hasnt been a b*tch to.

you have to do what your heart is telling you.

what does helen think you shuld do? or thea?

[choki]

It's hard to make any choices.

She is, afterall, your natural mother who went through 9 month of pregnancy and gave birth to you. I mean if she didn't want you in the first place, I'm afraid there will be no Barry Trotter we know of today.
On the other hand, she hasn't been a good mother for the past twenty over years. We can understand the kind of mixed feelings you have for your mother.

I'm not too sure about the British medical law for organ transplant. But getting a kidney from a suitable donor isn't that easy. Even though they are rich, they will be placed on a waiting list. And most patients didn't survive long enough to get a kidney transplant. Your mother would probably be having kidney dialysis 3 times a week if her condition worsen. There are other means of getting a kidney abroad. Sadly, but there are people in third world countries who are willingly to sell their organs as a survival means.

I advise you to talk to your closet, dearest friends about it and hear what they have to say. If I were you, I'll be in a total loss. Just make sure whatever decision you made, don't regret it.

[Barry Trotter]

well, as agreed i'm keeping you posted.
I'm feeling a little less mixed up about the whole thing now.

ok. the husband came back yesterday and talked to me . quite forcefully. he sent someone to pick me up really early thismorning to take me to a private health clinic hospital place. they took lots of samples from injections and stuff and took a sample of my bone marrow. ( she also needs that)

so yes.

i dont know if i'm a match.

if i am i suppose i'll have to come to some sort of a decision about what to do


i dont like her. or have any kind of feelings towards her. i dont even hate her. i dont know how i am supposed to feel but i just feel nothing. i want to know from her, why i had bruises and looked like i had been a little mangled when i was abandoned. and why she abandoned me in the first place. i can understand why she wouldnt want to answer those questions but i would really like to know why.i'm not a father but i love my flatmates baby and i couldnt ever imagine giving one up. it would have to be a last resort, anbd even then i wouldnt leave it alone in the street where anything could have happened.

its just strange that the woman i have needed and wanted my whole life, now needs me. but not how i would like her to. its wierd. she doesnt need me. she needs my kidney. and if she didnt she would not have any need or wish to find me at all. i thought she would have cared just a little bit or be curious to see how i turned out, apparently not.

Han, i have talked to helen , and she was really angry at my "mum" she went to the hospital thismorning with me and gave her a piece of her mind. my mother didnt even look ashamed. helen doesnt think i should giveup my kidney.

i talked to thea about it as well, she cant believe "Mum" is being so cold towards me. and doesnt think i should give up my kidney either.

i still feel a little obligated to her though. goodness knows why.

thanks for your advice and support guys. its much appreciated
keep it coming:)

[Athena Appleton]

First of all, it totally makes sense that you feel nothing either way for her. She's a total stranger. Twenty years ago, she did you the humongous favor of carrying through the pregnancy, but speaking as someone who's been through two sides of it (before and after), the pregnancy is the easy part. The labor and delivery is the easy part. The hard part is the life afterwards. It's also, by the way, the most rewarding part, if you actually do it. She didn't. She didn't arrange for someone else to take you, she didn't even drop you off at a Department of Health or anything like that. All of those things would have been something you could have been thankful for. But instead, she delivered you, kept you for some period of time, but apparently wasn't taking care of you properly, then dumped you out. You've turned out to be a wonderful person (so far as I can tell), so I applaud you on that.

But when your mom dumped you out, she abandoned any motherly rights she had. If she'd been an active part of your life for twenty years, then yes, you might be more obligated to donate a kidney to her. But now, she's just like any other person with kidney problems, and she should go on the list and wait just like anyone else who doesn't have a child to ask a kidney of. That's part of the decision she made when she abandoned you as a child.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I guess maybe I'm doing it to try to counteract the natural feelings of "she's my mom so I owe her this" you must be having to some degree.

If you do decide to go through with this, I think beforehand you should lay down the law about what you want in the future from this woman and her family. If you expect to have a relationship with her, you should tell her and her family about those expectations ahead of time. If you want this to be a one-time thing, tell them that. If it is a one-time thing, I personally think the money thing should be an all-or-nothing deal. If you want nothing, take nothing. If you want to accept their money, explain to them before the surgery that you're giving up a kidney either way, so they shouldn't give you less if it doesn't take. If she were wanting to start a relationship with you at some point, I would feel differently about that, but it sounds like they're just taking advantage of the "relationship" with you and making a business deal. Fine. Let them. That way, at least you're getting something from this. If you want, you could donate it to one of many many charities out there for neglected kids, so they don't have to go through what you went through because of her.

Either way, I don't envy you this decision. Pray a lot. Seek the advice of people who love you and care about you. Don't feel guilty about what you choose.

I'm praying for you.

[Barry Trotter]

its difficult. i'm off out to the hosptial now. apparently they have the results to show if i'm a match or not.

it was really quick but i suppose money can buy lots of things.

i'll be back later to tell you all if im a match.ok wish me luck

[Phinea Rogue]

Good luck, Barry. I don't know what I could advise you to do, I have no idea what I would do in your place. She's a complete stranger and it seems that they aren't acting nice with you, they act rather forcefully. If they at least had asked you nicely, but this way... I don't know. You'll need to think a lot about this.

[Alice I]

Well Barry I have just read this whole thread and I can see why you are so torn.

I agree with many of the things that have been written here about the soulless behavior of the woman who gave birth to you. Athena is correct in saying that when you were abandoned the woman in question also gave up all maternal claims to you are about you.

This woman's husband is acting the only way he has ever known.
If they are dripping with cash am guessing that it is his. If the woman had money I dare say your story would have been a different one.
People born to wealth have grown up with a different view of life and problem solving. I think he might be trying to handle his wife's illness the only way he knows how even if it is callous and unfeeling.

As to what you may choose to do:
I hope that if you decide to give your kidney to this woman it would be for the same reason you would give it to a complete stranger; out of the desire to do as Christ would do were he in your position.
If you choose to not give your kidney then I hope you make that decision based on what is best for you and not out of anger or revenge. (I am sure that would not be the case as you have stated that you do not feel anything for this woman)

Know however that you may wake up one day and find that you actually do have feelings toward this person wether good or bad. They may be buried so deeply that you can not feel them but they could pop up out of nowhere and surprise you.

You have a difficult decision ahead of you and an even more difficult path to follow regardless of what direction your decision leads you in.

Bearing this in mind:
Know Barry, that you are remembered in all of our prayers and our hearts.
Good Luck

[pallas artemis]

If you choose to not give your kidney then I hope you make that decision based on what is best for you and not out of anger or revenge.

This is what I felt when reading through everyone's posts. Everyone seems in outrage. But I think the only way to answer the question is after a lot of thought, not brooding. Try to look at it objectively. If this were anyone else what would you do?

[Barry Trotter]

well i just got back, i'm not a match for this woman.
she doesnt need a match though. and they have asked me to go through with it anyway.

i dont know what to do. i am quite likely to odnate some bone marrow, because as far as i can tell, i can grow it back and its ok .

i thik i want to keep hold of my kidney though. men are more likely to suffer kidney failure than women, and i'd rather have my kidney in reserve incase anyone i love needs it.

she seems very well in herself and i dont think the waiting list is very long, especially as she has been on it for a while now.

thankyou all for your support and prayers
it has really meant a lot

[Evil Wizard Petting Zoo]

Dang, from what I can tell, you don't owe this woman anything. But if you're the religious sort, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Good deeds will come back to you someday.