No, you're not an idiot.
Everyone feels this way at some point. Just like every other negative feeling or thought: it's what you do with it that counts.
I don't know you, or any of the details of your life, but I know I've felt the same thing before, and I'll tell you what helped me. I still know that I lead a small life, but I realized (almost too late) that
someone would miss me.
When I was twenty, I had the same kind of feelings you're talking about. I felt like I was worthless, but worse than that, I felt like, if I died, maybe five people would be at my funeral. Then they would go home and go about their lives again, every now and then going "Remember when she......." but most of the time, not thinking about me.
So, I tested it. I took about fifteen sleeping pills (fortunately, I was clueless as to how to commit suicide and apparently fifteen Sominex doesn't kill you.
) My dad came home and took me to the hospital, and I got to spend a weekend at the Behavioral Health Center (similar to what Patch Adams stays in in the beginning of the movie, only not quite as bad). Then I got to start a two-week program of intense group therapy for two weeks from 8 in the morning until 4 in the afternoon. It's funny: now, I thank God every day for that experience, because I learned how blessed I am, and how loved I am. Not only did He love me enough to spare me, but I had so many people who loved me and I didn't even realize it.
A lot of people, when they get up into their adult years, talk about how being a teenager is supposed to be the best time of your life. It's not. I hated my teenage years, and you couldn't pay me enough to make me go back. I'm almost 25, and my life is just now starting to take off.
Something that whole experience taught me, though, was to take a few chances. I'm not talking about taking stupid chances, but more people are likely to miss you when you're gone if you're out there doing some good in the world, and busying yourself doing something good takes your mind off of whatever is upsetting you. Start small: when you're walking around the mall, or Wal-Mart, or the grocery store, just smile at random people you dont' know. It'll help them, and it'll help you. Then work your way up. If you're in a video-game store, and you see someone looking at a game you've played and enjoyed, tell them "Oh, man, that's the coolest game. Quistis is awesome!
" It gets easier, and soon you'll find that it makes your day seem a lot less drab if you try to connect with other people, and it might just be the extra boost they needed to make them feel appreciated.
What helped me the most, though, was faith in God, and I can't post about this topic without mentioning Him. Since the day I attempted suicide, He's been by my side, helping me through things I know I couldn't have coped with before. I put him to the test (figuratively) and He passed with flying colors.
I can tell you're a good guy, I think it's very admirable that you are willing to sacrifice yourself for your friends. The Bible says that there is no greater love than the willingness to lay down your life for friends. But you're young (I assume... you mentioned school), and you're only beginning life (even though I know it doesn't seem that way). Force the depressing "I want to die but I have a sick desire to live" thoughts out of your head: they're not healthy. Find things and people to enjoy living for, and eventually, you'll enjoy living for yourself. And someday, you'll find people whose world would just be shattered if something happened to you (although I'd be willing to bet there are already a lot of people who would feel that way now).
I'm going to pray for you, and I hope you can take
something I've said and put it to the test.
.But no, i'm not suicidal.No,no,no.I have this sick perverted passion to go through all of my life.i know my life isn't a foundamental part of this world and it will countinue to go round without me.Think of it like this-if you throw a rock into a river, the water doesn't stop for it, it goes around it and countinues to flow.Remember in that topic about crime-me and a frien get mugged by the school.I tall her to run away and i stay and get beaten up.And i don't care if i die, i prefer to save someone else, who likes his life.I kinda hope for the one moment when i can truly save someone from something even if i end up in hospital or worse...
.I gotta start practicing in this forum