Depression

[Jinxed Angie]

I've noticed that since I've turned 13, I've been a very depressive person for reasons I can't explain through words, I have big problems expressing myself and these depressive side-efects make it worse.

What I would like to know is:

Is there anyone here that sufferers from the same thing?

[Groo]

well.. u answered your question yourself. since you turned thirteen meaning a teen. teenage and adoloscent years are the wierdest and most confusing years in anyone's life (this statement comes from a guy who is 18 so i must say it holds no credibility ) but we all have experienced such depressive patches and mood swings.
This is an article i had written a while back..hope it is of help!


IS THERE A LIGHT?

I’m lost. Make that hopelessly lost. And I’m not talking about “Could you tell me where this place is, please?” lost. I’m lost for sense … for direction … for goals … for desire … for hope. It seems like an eternity since I felt completely secure about my environment. At this very moment, everything looks like a jigsaw puzzle with the whole thing finally put in place. But the picture emerging just doesn’t seem to make sense.

I’ve read in numerous books about someone being trapped in a dark tunnel with nowhere to go. Suddenly, they see a light in the far off distance. They crawl their way towards it, inflicting a thousand injuries upon themselves with every movement they make. Then, when they finally reach the light and step out, they get an overwhelming feeling of fulfillment, accomplishment and joy. I wonder whether this is the authors’ way of conveying the message that every dark tunnel in our lives has a light at the end. But what was the last time you reached the light and felt happy … truly happy? Yes, we do feel good about ourselves on achieving something and pulling through. But as soon as we let out that “Aah” of satisfaction and happiness, why do we plunge headlong into the next tunnel we see, looking for another light? It makes me look back upon the brief period between the frying pan and the fire and realise that the feeling was nothing but a simple small ego-boost. And of course, no one feels even slightly depressed on receiving an ego-boost.

I was discussing something along these lines with a friend of mine a few days ago. She was wondering whether we ever do get out of these storm-in-a-teacup situations. The pathetic aspect of the whole conversation, I realised in hindsight, was that we were both living in the mere hope that someday, we do. Right now, some of you are probably sneering “Sheesh … kids!” while others are welcoming me to the club. This article isn’t for you. And you’ve probably been through the same thing, so please spare a thought. This article is for those who think the same, feel the same, but could never confide the same in someone. It is for those who doubt, undermine and demoralise themselves just because they feel lost and insecure while everyone around them seems to have got everything right. Psst, let me clue you in on this one; they’re just as much or maybe even more insecure and lost than you are. And indulging in just another ego-boost, I would like to present one of Murphy’s quotes (of the Murphy’s Laws fame) :
“If everything is going your way,
You’re in the wrong lane.”

The disturbing element of the random notions and ideas hitting my mind at the speed of lightning is that even though I am realising so many things – some too private to jot down here and some as obvious as the sun rising in the east – I also realise that I might be stuck in these whirlwinds all my life, which is a very depressing thought no matter which way you look at it. The optimist in me is yelling out, “Don’t worry, it’s just a phase. You’ll get out of it soon enough and look back and laugh at all these silly thoughts” while the pessimist is hoarse retorting with cries of “You’re a loser and you’re going to be stuck like this for perpetuity. Give up, already!” Where is that supposed rationalist when you need him?

And now to come to the most pathetic and poignant part of this whole article. I’ve talked all along of sentiments and thoughts which I’m feeling, and possibly you. But maybe, just maybe, these thoughts are nothing but another tunnel and it’s just a matter of time before we see the light, escape and immerse into the next tunnel. I am even confused as to whether that cheers me up or depresses me. But then again … is there a light in this one?

[harrylover]

I really love your article groo.

Angie, keep your head up! Everyone is feeling like this sometimes. I´m an optimist which really helps me but I´ve had and I still have such phases. My friends also have them and I´m usually the one who cheers them up.

Growing up is a difficult thing.

[pinky p]

meh... apparently i have a strong family history of depression so whenever i go to the doctor i get "are you feeling like killing yourself" and "if you drink you will probably become an alcoholic because depression and alcoholism are strongly linked." and i feel like shouting at the doctor, "shut up! i'm not depressed, not an alcoholic..." etc.

but then i have a bad day and i feel miserable and then i think that i too have depression like half my family (mom's & dad's side) and i freak out and feel miserable forever (a day and a half-ish).

but then i have a good day and realize how stupid i was being and mood swings are part of being an adolescent and remember how i was told in 5th grade that "sometimes you may feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster", which i laughed at for a really long time (and still do). so then i decide that all this stuff is normal and i'm not crazy or whatever.

but then i have a really bad temper tantrum or get angry or feel like everyone is being mean and life is sooooo unfair etc. etc. and it really is no fun at all.

and the cycle continues......

sometimes my bad spells last for a long time. when i had an argument with a group of friends, i sulked and was moody for about 2 months. once i fought with my dad for about 3 weeks nonstop. and then, sometimes i'll be perfectly fine for a long time.

the point is, being angry, moody, sulky, etc. is what being a teenager is all about! well, maybe not, but it certainly is a big part. i don't know why, but that's just the way god made us. maybe he figured we could get it all out between 13 and 19 and be happy forever afterwards??? maybe not...

angie, your bad moods are perfectly normal and you should know that everyone goes through it. i'm not a doctor, so i don't know what the specific side effects are of depression, so if you have any big concerns you should definately talk to your parent/doctor/counselor/teacher/older sibling/friend/whomever.

I have big problems expressing myself

could you explain this more?

[Jinxed Angie]

To explain this better I have to start at the beging of my life. I was born in South Africa, when I was 5 I moved to Portugal, I went to an Intenational school for 2 years, but that wasn't enough for me to learn how to read and write perfectly (I think I suffer from dislexia, because I could never learn to read properly, to make up for it I learnt to memorized all the words and sounds in the english vocabulary during my whole life).

Then I moved to a local school, I started in 2nd year of that school so I never got the basics (And you all Know that knowing the basics is very importante in an education), so I always had problems in the Portuguese languge. I spoke english at home and never made any portuguese friends, so I didn't have any practice.

I never grasped any languge properly, so every time a person tries to find out what I'm feeling or what's depressing me I can't explain, because I don't know how. It frustrates me so much that it adds to my depression and sometimes I even cry.

[pinky p]

your english is excellent at least written, anyways. i can see how this sort of thing could be a problem. try to explain your problem to your parents. maybe they would consider having you take english or portuguese lessons?

[Jinxed Angie]

I going to emigrate to the Usa soon so I won't need port. any more.

[Broccoli]

Are you glad about it? When is it going to happen?

[Mistress Siana]

Angie, I think I might be suffering from depression too. I don't really know...a few month ago, after our final examinations, our whole class went for a trip to Majorca. On the first day, we had a great party, drank a lot and then a friend of mine fell off a balkony, broke his neck and died. It was so sudpid, so absoluteless senseless. On the way back from his funeral, I had a car accident, my car was completely destroyed but I got out without the slightest scratch...ever since that happened I've been wondering why I had such a great luck and he didn't even have the slightest bit. I have the feeling I should do something with my life, something meaningful, but I don't know what...Every morning it feels so terribly difficult even to get out of bed, I feel like I don't want this life anymore, if I could choose, I would be dead and he would live instead. I cannot stand company anymore, if I go to a party, I either leave it early or get myself so drunk I won't remember anything. People keep telling me: "Of course you're shocked, that's normal", but it's not really the shock, more what came after it. It's not like a tunnel, more like something that is tearing me apart from the inside. Maybe it's really just a phase, just something normal, but knowing where those feelings come from doesn't change the fact that they're there. I don't know...and I'm certainly far from helping you now, but I really wish you all the best. Write it down here whenever you feel like you need to talk about something.

[Jinxed Angie]

Are you glad about it? When is it going to happen?

In 2 years time, I think. I'm very happy about it. I can't stand Portugal anymore, I feel like I'm going nowhere the hard way! I'm slowly suffocating here, It's frustrating! After 10 years I think it's time to leave.

[pinky p]

still, two years is a while. you'll want to put at least some effort into your portuguese if you're going to be living there another two years!

[Reverie Revenge]

to Jinxed Angie
Every thing has at least 2 aspects (BTW, I'm not a cheerful optimist, more a cynic )

Still 2 yrs?! That's a lot - an eternity for me --> don't throw theese 2 yrs away - it's better is you have some fun in the meantime. Waiting kills, so try to fill up this time with sth. that fulfils you!

There are also loads of ppl from Portugal here on forum, try to contact some of them - if you live close enough, you may become friends of flesh and blood, not just online.

I've noticed nothing terrible about your English, just the opposite, you've expressed your problem very well (to express your traumas and dilemmas is harder than to express sth. nice )

Why to suffer while a teen? Now adolescence lasts till the age of 30, b/c lots of ppl don't want to grow up for a loooooong time. That's the spirit of the age, the 21th century. I'm an eternal teen, I should know. Being teen also means to get cool experience, to taste life for the 1st time, to break the traditional rules and make progress, ... not just to sit at home and sulk. Of course a teen must endure many annoying things, authorities suck, ... but on other hand you'll not be free of theese annoying things once you're 20
I was a master in creating nonexisting problems why not just seize the day instead!?


to Mistress Siana

The accident is terrible, but I can't understand what you're feeling (luckily none of my friends have died so I can't imagine how this feels).

But you're sounding like you blame yourself just b/c you later had luck in the car crash.
I hope you don't mind rational arguments
I know some ppl who all had a crash (car destroyed, but they safe and sound), and all of them were driving tired, sleepless and under depression + stress. (((those who get killed in car accidents are by my experience mostly those who are careless, under no pressure and have sth. nice in plan - but I knew nobody of them really well.))).

The driver's safety has to do with the cars (and with guardian angels if you believe in them), not with any ''stolen luck''. THis also applys to smaller cars, like Ford Fiesta etc. I've had driving Luck with capital L for several times. But I kinda understand you'd like to die instead of him. But he wouldn't want you to! I think to do sth. meaningful with your life doesn't mean to get famous etc. but it means that you become happier, that you stop blaming yourself for things you can't influence to. Your friend wouldn't want you to take responsibility for your luck.
See you in the common room, Mistress Siana!

P.S.: have no idea where all this optimism came from - I was listening to depressive music all the time Now put in an uplifting CD.

[Reverie Revenge]

if I could choose, I would be dead and he would live instead.

Maybe my last post was too much about blaming yourself and I tried too little to feel w/ you - as if I could!
But I understand that you'd change w/ him only if you could.
Once me and my mum went by bikes and I saw how a careless and FAST driver missed my mum for 10 or 20 centimetres. The very same instant I thought: ''Why didn't I drive first?'' Nothing happened to her but I'd take to myself just the shock or the death, it doesn't matter.
I know it's normal that parents (parents that deserve that name) don't like their kids to sacrifice for them, parents want their kids to survive but my mum is such a wonderful person... I'd change w/ her anytime. I don't know how she remains an angel, having such a trouble for a daughter

I hope this story wasn't too confused
Still, Mistress Siana, I don't think avoiding human contact will help. Mind you, human = humanistic, not just contact w/ anyone. Me personally dislike contact to most bloody-herd-instinct-conformists.
Maybe I'm more mind-, not heart-person, but I'd love to talk to you. If contact w/ real ppl is too much for you at the moment, you can always PM me. *no idea how to greet you b/c my usual greeting is ''have fun'' and I feel ''recover'' would sound better* Recover!